so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
