"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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