I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
If its not for food we ain't going out.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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