not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
