yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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