The maid of honor just puked.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
she told me i tasted like america
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
