Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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