I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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