Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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