I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
