peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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