Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
