Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
