Fine. I'll sleep in my office
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
