I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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