people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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