i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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