mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
