dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
