How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
