Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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