Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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