Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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