I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
