I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
