I just threw up on my dentist
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
