Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
This can only be settled by a dance off.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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