I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
