It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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