what day is it and did you see me today?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
