Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
