Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
