Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
