Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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