rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My breasts were aching with rage.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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