Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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