My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
