I can text with my tongue
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
And then he peed in my hair
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