well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
