Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
