i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
