I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
