after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
