I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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