Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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