Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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