I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
