After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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