Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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