She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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