Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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