Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
